didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
