failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
