In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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