sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
