dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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