ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
