I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
someone owes me an orgasm
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
