I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
