you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
