My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
