life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
soo... how was my night?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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