I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
