I accidentally burped into my bong.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
