I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
