So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
