i don't like sucking hair
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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