I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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