Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
We are all done wearing pants today
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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