apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
