you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
pop tarts are not kleenex
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
