Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
