Your tits are I can't wait for
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
