Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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