I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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