i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
