It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
