If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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