I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
