I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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