So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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