wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Randomize
