I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
