I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
