i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
