ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.