Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
