youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?