Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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