Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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