Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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