my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
