Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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