chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
