my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
third nipple confirmed
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
You were trust falling into bushes
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I did not marry a roomba.
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