well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
