Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize