I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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