So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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