The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
