Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I supernannyed him into submission
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
