sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
