i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
