I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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