LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
