you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
