I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
The dick lei will go down in squad history
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
