Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
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It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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