Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
