Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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