rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I wear drunk well.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
