Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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